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Monday, 3 March 2014

New Video Alert - Jason Rosell - #Sexercise

This one's tricky. It's about...ummm... Okay, the video is...uhhh... Well, you see there's this artist that... Look. It's called #Sexercise people. Let's just get that out of the way before we even try to explain the latest effort from personal trainer/musical artist Jason Rosell. You see, it's a video about...

Sex. And exercising. So #Sexercising. With a hashtag. Because that worked out so well for Mariah Carey. #Beautiful #Hashtags #Whereisthatalbum!

Ahem. We're not sure what to do with this. It's really awkward. And a little embarrassing. But there's something about it that's captivating. And it burrows into your head.

Not since we spent months trying to figure out what The Fox says, has a so obviously annoying song refused to leave our brains. What is it about this that's so intruging?

Well, for starters, it's hot. Like really hot. This type of glaring attempt at a kitschy one-hit wonder usually relies on naked ladies to hock itself. But not since  Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy and Gerardo's Rico Suave have we seen this level of shameless man thrusting and machismo.

It's also timely. Everyone and their sister are doing Zumba, P90X, Boot Camp, or some other version of physical workout torture so they can eat a box of Dunkin Donuts and feel a little bit less shame. This video looks like an effective infomercial for the latest exercise craze. And who doesn't want to look their best (or better yet, look like the unbelievably fit people in this video who've clearly never eaten at Dunkin Donuts)?

Except that the song is a grand total of 4 minutes long. That's not much of a workout, even for the laziest among us. Jason barks at you every 60 seconds or so, telling you you've made it to the next level. He also tells you to hang in there because he knows your heart feels like it's going to kill you. Whether he's talking sex or exercise (or #sexercise, lest we forget how creative that is), if 60 seconds is too much to handle, you probably shouldn't be exercising, having sex, or even listening to music. That's quite the dainty heart you have.

Also, don't be fooled by Mr. Rosell's proclamation that you can do this anywhere, even the delivery room (really, he says that). 

You can't. 

If you do this "routine" in public, you'll be murdered (particularly if a woman is trying to give birth anywhere near you). If you play the song during an intimate sexercisey moment, you'll get a face full of angry palm and won't ever get the chance to make a baby. The closest you'll ever get to hearing this song get vocal acclaim is at a really alcohol-heavy frat party or a wedding in 2065 where this is the nostalgia song that laughs the dentures right out of our 80 year old mouths.

Don't kid yourselves. This song is only safe to listen to in your personal headphones in the gym.

And yet, that's exactly what we'll be doing tomorrow. Make fun of it if you will (we just did), but this song has captured all the pizazz needed for 10 minutes of fame (if not 15). So get out your sweatbands and go download #Sexercise at iTunes. And you can watch the steamy, sweaty, shameless video below. Just make sure you lock your door, so no one catches you..!

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